Welcome to the branding underworld, where mistakes don’t just happen, they fester, multiply, and come back to bite you in the ass. Want to know the real horror? It's not ghosts or ghouls - but terrifyingly common ways brands sabotage themselves. Here’s 10 ways you can do it too…if you dare.
When it comes to brand positioning, ditch the differentiation.
Who needs it anyway? You’re better off blending into mediocrity. Position yourself exactly like your competitors. In fact, copy their tagline. Originality is overrated and if your goal is to make your brand blend in like a ghost in a graveyard, go ahead and get ‘inspired’ by your competitors.
Real Horror Story: Remember Tesco’s “Fresh & Easy” circa 2007-2013? When Tesco launched its "Fresh & Easy" chain in the US, they tried to position themselves as a healthy, convenient alternative to traditional supermarkets. But they made a rookie mistake and didn’t research the market well enough, offering products that didn’t resonate with American consumers. They also failed to adapt their messaging to local cultural expectations, and the stores closed after losing £1.2 billion. Tesco’s biggest miss? Not understanding their competition or customers and attempting to position themselves in a vague, ill-fitting space. WOMP.
When writing the value proposition, stuff it with fluff.
Want to write a value proposition that screams “We have no idea what we’re doing”? Simply pack it full of buzzwords like *synergise*, *revolutionary*, and *ambitious*. Bonus points if it sounds like Chat GPT. Never mind telling your customers *how* you solve their problem—just dazzle them with meaningless words until they lose interest entirely.
Real Horror Story: In 1992, Ratner's value proposition for Gerald Ratner’s jewellery chain was essentially low-cost luxury. However, in an infamous speech, Ratner undermined his entire brand by calling his products “crap” and saying that their earrings were “cheaper than a prawn sandwich, but probably wouldn’t last as long.” His comments led to a PR disaster, erasing any perceived value in their products and resulting in a £500 million loss for the company. Ouch.
Top tip for writing the mission: Make it all about YOU!
If your mission statement doesn’t read like a shrine to your company’s ego, you’re doing it wrong. Who cares about your customer’s pain points? Focus on how *awesome* your team is, how much *you’ve* achieved, and how your office coffee is made with locally sourced beans.
Real Horror Story: Let’s take it back to 2013, when The Cooperative Bank prided itself on its ethical mission statement, focusing on values rather than profits. But when a £1.5 billion hole was discovered in its finances in 2013, its customers realised that the bank’s mission was more about its image than actually delivering on its promises. Their mission collapsed under the weight of poor management and financial missteps, making it clear that an ethical mission without substance or execution is just expensive PR.
When writing the vision: Keep it small and keep It boring
Why be aspirational? Make sure your vision is so unimaginative and tied to the present that no one will ever get excited about your future. Leave that to the tarot readers. You just stay right where you are and take it easy.
Real Horror Story: Once a leading retailer in books and stationery, WHSmith failed to keep up with changes in the digital world and remained stuck in a dated vision. Their stores became cluttered, their offerings uninspired, and they struggled to differentiate themselves from online competitors like Amazon. By failing to embrace a forward-looking vision that integrated the digital age, they ended up becoming a symbol of stagnation on the UK high street.
Brand identity? Just throw something together. Use Canva.
What’s a consistent design strategy when you can slap together every idea you’ve ever had into one identity? Pick some fonts, clash the colours, and create a logo that looks like it crawled out of 1998. Don’t forget to add a shadow so it looks like it floats. Like a ghost. Boo!
Real Horror Story: Royal Mail’s attempt to rebrand as Consignia in 2001 is a prime example of a branding disaster. The name was supposed to reflect a broader range of services beyond mail, but no one understood it, and it completely disconnected from the brand’s rich, quintessential history and identity. The £1.5 million rebranding effort lasted less than two years before Royal Mail wisely went back to its original, iconic identity. Stubborn, stubborn, stubborn.
Your brand messaging should talk to everyone but speak to no one.
Why bother narrowing down your messaging when you can try to appeal to *literally* everyone? After all, you’re a people pleaser. Use ALL the jargon and make it broad. The broader, the better. This way, no one will have a clue who you're for, but at least you’ll sound inclusive. Best of luck.
Real Horror Story: British Airways’ 2019 ad campaign "Made by Britain" aimed to appeal to national pride but ended up alienating parts of their customer base by being too broad and out of touch. The messaging focused so much on Britain’s global achievements that it neglected the diverse, global audience BA serves. The campaign was a stark reminder that broad, patriotic messaging can backfire when it doesn’t resonate with your actual customer base.
Want to destroy your strategy? Stick to short-term thinking.
Planning ahead is for suckers. Makes no sense building a strategy for the next 2 years when you can chase after this month’s trends like a pick-me? Stick to the short-term, because nothing says *we’ve got no clue* like constantly changing direction and hoping something sticks. Bon Voyage!
Real Horror Story: Woolworths, once a staple of the British high street, failed to adapt to changing retail trends. Instead of innovating with a long-term strategy, they stuck to selling low-cost goods in a marketplace that was being overtaken by online retailers and discount stores. By failing to future-proof their business and adjust to new consumer habits, they fell into administration in 2008 and closed all UK stores. (Too many ‘was it worth it?’ ideas. Can’t choose one).
When building your customer persona, make *everyone* your target audience.
The more, the merrier. Why define your target audience when you can just… not? Make sure to pretend like everyone is dying to buy your product. Ignorance is bliss and goddamn it’s blissful when everyone wants you. Targeting is overrated anyway.
Real Horror Story: For a long time, Marks & Spencer tried to appeal to everyone—young, old, budget-conscious, and luxury-seeking consumers alike. Their unfocused approach meant that they were no longer appealing to anyone effectively. This identity crisis cost them a significant market share as younger consumers turned to trendier, more affordable brands and older shoppers felt overlooked. Their efforts to reinvent themselves without a clear target audience contributed to years of declining sales.
When it comes to your brand tone, change it once a day.
A steady tone? Not needed. Post sarcastic social media updates one day and then hit them with the corporate lingo the next. Keep your audience on their toes—after all, the more unpredictable you are, the faster they’ll lose interest.
Real Horror Story: House of Fraser’s messaging and tone varied so wildly across channels that customers didn’t know what to expect. One minute, they were trying to appeal to younger, fashion-conscious shoppers with trendy marketing; the next, they’d revert to a traditional, conservative tone to reach older demographics. This inconsistency in brand tone left both audiences confused, contributing to their struggle to maintain relevance and their eventual fall into administration in 2018.
Last but not least… Make brand consistency an urban legend.
Think consistency is key? Nah. Ensure your website, social media, packaging, and ads all look and sound like they were created by different teams who never spoke to each other. It’s fun confusing customers at every touchpoint and even more so when they don’t know who you are.
Real Horror Story: BHS failed spectacularly at maintaining brand consistency before its collapse in 2016. Their product lines, in-store experiences, and online presence seemed disconnected, with no coherent brand experience from one touchpoint to the next. The store didn’t keep up with changing retail landscapes, nor did it provide a consistent shopping experience across its physical and digital platforms, leading to customer disengagement and, ultimately, closure.
These branding horror stories aren’t nightmares—they’re real. But the good news? You can avoid becoming a ghost by working with us. Click here.
